INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I am patiently waiting for your email
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾