The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
#dalle2
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?