What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk