*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?