Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I am, perchance
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.