ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.