“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.