shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”