Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Worth remembering.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!