My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.