Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?