said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”