There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
A ghost story
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Spa day..😅
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor