I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!