“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
What number SPF blocks people?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
What a website
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.