I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You Might Also Like
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
live, laugh, laundry.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?