We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Danger is very dangerous
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep