Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what