Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
#milo
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Left at a local drug store…