Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐