When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.