Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.