[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”