My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.