date: i want a good listener
superman: 馃檪
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 馃檪
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 馃檪
date: wait what the hell
You Might Also Like
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
There is really no good way to work “gar莽on” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schr枚dinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it鈥檚 acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I used my husband鈥檚 shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they鈥檙e so shady
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That鈥檚 so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.