As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80