So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
welcome back
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Note to self: I am a note
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.