Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Potatoes were such a good idea
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?