[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Go hard or stay average
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
when someone rings the doorbell
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life