Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
that de-escalated quickly
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.