My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh