Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You Might Also Like
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!