I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.