I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer