My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You got this…
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense