[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!