Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Perfection.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Fluff me with a fork baby
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one