me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
and this one
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Body by sandwich.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.