I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
🤣😂🤣
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname