HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women