Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years