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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Remember folks 😂
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.