It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
rise and shine we got egg
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Something Saturday.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My first son he is wonderful
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.