Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
You Might Also Like
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving