[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.