I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You Might Also Like
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
can you read it!!??
maan!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.