[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her