(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?