My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Is anyone gonna tell them?