Woke up with morning Yule Log
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.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*